Distance and Closeness on the Mat and in Life

Published by Mark Matloff, Ph.D.

"Using Martial Arts Lessons to Enhance Your Life"

Contents:

• What is Aikido/AikiPaths?
• Staying in Touch
• About the Author
• Subscription, Un-subscription, Questions
• Special Offer

Aikido is a powerful and beautiful martial art. It means: "The Way of Harmonizing Energy." Aikido practitioners learn to blend and steer an opponent's force to safely control a situation.

Aikido stands out as a moral martial art.  Injury is to be avoided. And yet it is very effective. The beauty and power of the art has to be seen and experienced to be believed. Aikido has nothing to do with conquest. It emphasizes living in harmony with yourself, with others, and with the world.

AikiPaths use the teachings of Aikido (and other arts) and the wisdom of psychology to help improve and enrich our lives. We can learn to blend with ourselves and with others, to reduce or eliminate conflicts, and live more fully.

I want to begin by writing about a very interesting martial arts term. It is known as "ma-ai" (pronounced "my").  Understanding ma-ai can help us improve many aspects of our lives-both on and off the mat.

Ma-ai is a word that means "basic distance." It refers to the physical distance that exists between two partners in training. Distance is critical to good martial technique.

If you train in any martial art, you know that it is essential to have a correct basic distance between yourself and your partner (or, in a real conflict, between yourself and your opponent).

How important is ma-ai?  Put simply, even the most sophisticated martial technique in the world will just not work if the distance is incorrect.

If you attempt to do your technique when you are too far way from your partner, you will move too soon and technique will not have sufficient leverage, balance, and power to have effect. The connection does not happen, so the technique cannot evolve.  Without a good foundation, a house cannot stand.

On the other hand, if you are too close to your partner, you will get tangled up in each other, and your technique will stall out.  It can turn into a wrestling match. And, you can have even more problems if there happens to be more than one partner available (multiple opponents).

Good ma-ai is about having proper distance that maintains a good connection. Proper ma-ai enables you to be connected with your partner and still maintain your own power. You are close enough to use proper leverage, and far enough to not get caught up in it yourself, and still get" the big picture."

With proper ma-ai, martial techniques can just "seem" to happen without effort. They flow without work.

So, what does this Aiki idea have to do with living our life?

A lot.

Over my 26 years' experience working with people, it has seemed to me that much of our personal problems can be understood as problems with the ways in which we distance ourselves - both from others and our own concerns.

Here are some examples.

Couples can experience a variety of problems with their personal distance.

If they have too much ma-ai, they are too far away from each other emotionally. One or both may complain that his/her significant other just doesn't seem to understand or to care. Both may suffer from alienation and isolation, frustration, and a feeling of emptiness or emotional hunger. One or both may become involved with other interests, pursuits, or even people.

And the ma-ai grows bigger, and the gap grows wider. And the separation gets more real.

If they have too little ma-ai, one or both complains that the other is too controlling, too demanding, too possessive, etc. Now they can suffer from a sense of being emotionally crowded and suffocated. Arguments abound, as disagreements over who should be in control crop up again and again. Little things become huge power struggles.

And the wrestling continues. And the gap shrinks. And the fusion and friction increase.

Sometimes, one member of the couple may want less ma-ai, while the other wants more. In this situation, one chases after the other to try and close the distance, while the other runs away to stay apart. This dance can go on for years.

It's like the old game of "Tag-You're it!"

Individuals may have distance problems as well.

A person can be so caught up in his/her own problems that it is impossible to let go, or even to back off and get a breath. Clutching his/her concerns tightly with both hands causes pain, anxiety, depression, anger, etc. -  he/she gets so caught up in his/her own problem that any improvement is difficult at best.

Or, a person can be so far removed from his/her problems that he/she doesn't even know that they are there-perhaps until a crisis occurs as a kind of emotional wake-up call. This can happen with people who shy away from their problems, or who blunt their sensitivity with alcohol or substances.

Where does our sense of personal distance come from? We develop it, for better or worse, over the course of our life experiences.

I invite you to consider how distance works in your life. Notice situations where you are emotionally too close, too far, and just right? How does your distance effect you and others? What does each one feel like to you? What works best?

Ask yourself: "How can I improve the ma-ai in this situation?"

I would love to know what you discover.

Stay in touch.